This is why I can solve the government shutdown

I’m not one to jump to conclusions, unless it’s the game from Office Space, but I think the reason both Texas NFL teams lost this week is because of the government shutdown. I’m not a huge fan of football, but I enjoy it enough to watch it sparingly. And when the whole state is talking about it, you know it’s a big deal. I’m sure the rest of the country doesn’t mind knocking Texas down a peg, but we’re not Canada. Treat us with some respect.

I also blame the smaller cookie packaging sizes on the government shutdown. If you notice, the trays are smaller than before. I blame the lack of clear Bigfoot, Lochness Monster, and UFO pictures on the government shutdown. I blame the smell of tuna on the government shutdown. And lastly, I blame the lack of respect Parks and Recreation gets on the government shutdown.

Why? Because there is always a need for a scapegoat; and if our world is lucky enough, every so often there is this magical one thing that everyone can agree on. The one thing that enough people can blame for every little problem the world faces. But I don’t want to trouble you with what’s wrong politically. So I choose to spotlight the world’s tiniest problems and blame them on the government shutdown.

But I believe that for every bad thing that comes from a situation, something good has to come from it. So maybe rainbows and more French bread will come out of this. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Like the increased production of French bread is compensation for the shutdown.

“Oh you had to deal with the government shutdown bothering you? Here’s a loaf of freshly baked French bread. FOR FREE. Because economically the supply isn’t that high so we’re producing them far faster then we can sell them.” And then everyone proceeds to do a choreographed, yet automatically known, dance to Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) by the Backstreet Boys.

I think that would be adequate compensation. It’s delicious and it feeds people and we wouldn’t have to listen to either party ramble on about anything other than bread and of course the Backstreet Boys. This is why I should be the president. Just let me solve the issues.