This is why: 100 posts!!!!!!!

Here it is: MY 100^th POST!! Being the sentimental person that I am, I figured I would take a look back at where I was when I started this blog and give a brief history about some things, WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT.

I started my blog in November of 2011. The previous Summer I thought a lot about starting a blog, just for myself, and with some encouragement, I decided to do it. I started school that semester with every intention to keep going but I needed to take the year off. The blog was the only form of consistency I had since I decided to update it frequently. It was the only way to keep my mind sharp and thinking about writing.

It was (and still is) scary. I never know how certain posts are going to affect different people. I feel like my opinions on here are very tame (WOMEN’S RIGHTS! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY) as opposed to how I am in real life; but you just never know when you are going to upset someone. I also have to think that you can’t please everyone, so I know that eventually I’m going to upset someone. But that’s not the point here. The point is that for 2 and a half-ish years, I’ve kept this blog because I needed something to look forward to and keep me happy back in 2011.

And while I have gone on some hiatuses, I intend to keep it going for as long as I possibly can. I understand that my audience isn’t huge, but it’s big enough to where I feel like I’m affecting people on some level. Even if a post seems boring or average to certain people, I am always getting feedback from other people about how they liked it.

But I digress; I needed this blog back in 2011. I don’t feel the same way anymore even though I intend to keep it. There are other projects that I have in mind about starting and I think I will, but when I do I know that I at least have the confidence to put it out there because of this blog. The scariest thing for me was peoples’ reactions. Especially people like my family who read it.

So if you have some passion but are too afraid to start it, even if it is something as small as a blog, just do it! It’s brought me more joy than it has heartache or fear. So why not give it a chance?

I hope in the future to keep churning out posts that will make you, the reader, laugh, think, or just procrastinate from something for a few minutes. But I also want to try out some new things and I hope that they will be accepted just as much as all my other posts. And thank you for continuously coming back and reading.

Because I don’t really have a good conclusion for this post, as I am actually awful at them, here’s a picture of a waterfall I took that has nothing to do with anything.

(Hundred- The Fray, one of my favorite songs and coincidently, 100 posts. Warning: it's kind of sad but beautiful)

This is why you should listen to yourself

If I had a blog post for every time I wanted to start a post by saying, “I am so dumb,” then I’d have all my blog posts ever. It’s not that I really think I have problems, it’s that I know that going in I shouldn’t be writing that week. Something always comes up, it’s inevitable. And then I have to convince myself, “Well that’s life, something’s always going to come up.” And then I tell myself, “Okay, thanks, Mom.” And then myself and I have a good laugh followed by a deep cry, as per usual.

So why am “I so dumb,” this week? I don’t know. I guess it’s because I have been pushing my limits lately and it’s finally catching up on me. I feel like this is a safe space, even though it’s the Internet and nothing is safe, so I can talk, amigo to amigo. I was like, “Yeah I can handle more work this semester;” and clearly I’m failing at that because it’s only the second week and I am already pretty behind as I procrastinate and write this cathartic blog post. I also have been getting no sleep lately because my mind is just so wired with all these constant thoughts and worries that I’m just like, well, crap.

Don’t worry. I’m not too hard on myself. I still allow myself to pig out on junk food simply because I come home tired and drained. Which leads me to my main point (and for the record, I am so tired that I combined the words “main,” and “point,” and wrote “pain”), guys, don’t be hard on yourself. I don’t even know why I’m freaking out already about this semester and feeling terrible. Why? To get all As. It’d be nice, but I’m just trying to do my best.

When you try to keep up with the world, it’s just going to swallow you. Keep up with yourself, that’s what’s more important. I always know I am getting ahead of myself when I start to dream about oddly specific recurring dreams. It’s like, oh great, another haunted house dream, time to wake up and fix my life. Which is weird, but that’s how I always know I need to not freak out. And everyone’s different and everyone has his or her own way of knowing when to slow down.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.

Like that one song with the same name.

OR as Mother Willow in Pocahontas says in all of her old-grandmotherly wisdom, “Listen with your heart, you will understand.”

Okay I’m done lecturing myself. Time to go to sleep. And hopefully not have haunted house “get-your-life-together” dreams.

This is why falling.

[I've been going through some things lately that I haven't felt comfortable talking about that much. I wrote this piece, if you will, to kind of explain it; however, it is cryptic. It's different than anything I usually post but I hope you enjoy it, nevertheless]

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. One step back. And one more. Scan the crowd with my eyes only tilting my head for a moment. Blink once. Fidget my fingers, curling them with the air. Up ahead is a ramp. The more I step back, the taller it grows. I have a split second to decide to conquer it or run away. Suddenly I’m off.

My heart is in my throat and I am running. Running as fast as I can with the adrenaline pumping and fueling. Pumping and fueling my body as well as my desire. I am propelling myself faster and faster toward the ramp. I didn’t cower away. I chose the ramp.

The ramp, fun and colorful, now appears to be turning, twisting almost, into a dark force. The smooth surface seems to turn textured like a tree the closer I get to it. One foot in front of the other. Keep running. Keep pushing. Don’t back down. I do not know what is on the other side of the ramp. The farthest I can see is the pinnacle of the ramp.

Still, I run.

When I finally catch up to the ramp and thrust my leg onto the structure, it doesn’t move. In fact, I glide. The ramp returns to its colorful and glorified state. And for a second I forget I’m running. Relax. Relax. Breathe.

I could turn around now, or I can go higher and higher. I choose higher. And suddenly, I know it is time to see what is on the other side.

Except that when I look there’s nothing. Just an abyss. I jump. Not because I want to, but because the ramp has abruptly ended. I don’t have time to process why it’s gone; all I know is that the ramp is out from under me. And I fall. 

Mid-fall I realize had I turned around sooner, or even jumped sooner, the fall would be shorter. Nothing I can do now. I will crash. And it will hurt. But I will get up and go again. Perhaps next time I’ll do something differently. As I let myself fall, the crowd (silent for all this time) gasps. Some shouts here and there, but they know I’ll be fine. I don’t know that quite yet.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

The inevitable crash hurts. I can’t say for how long. But it hurts.

And when I get back up, I go again.

This is why friends are more permanent than candy

When I was in 7^th grade, I had a fair amount of friends. Some, I was closer to than others. One day I was with one of my friends and we found that a cabinet in a classroom was unlocked. This was rather odd because usually the cabinets in this particular classroom were always locked. When we opened it, we found Jolly Rancher candy in it. Being the kids we were and it being the appetizing candy it was, we each took one. We went back to that cabinet every so often to take a piece of candy.

Eventually, we told our other friends so they could share in on the joy that was that candy. It never occurred to us that we couldn’t have it and that it potentially belonged to someone else because we were 12 and that sort of “right” and “wrong” didn’t really cross our minds. One day when the original friend I found the candy with and I were out doing something, the other friends we told got caught taking the candy. They were immediately sent to the principal’s office and were suspended.

This wouldn’t have been a big deal except that we were going on a field trip that Friday and they weren’t allowed to go. The principal asked if there was anyone else that knew about the candy and took from it and my good ol’ friends, being the pals that they were did not rat us out even though it was our (mostly my, since I was the one that originally found the candy) fault that they couldn’t go on the field trip and were stuck in the principal’s office with an in school suspension that went on their records.

The moral of this story is that I had really good friends. Some would argue that they did the dishonest thing and lied, but I got to go on the field trip, so I don’t see it that way. No, but we were 12. So I think that it was a crucial time to learn a lesson and while I didn’t get in trouble, I really did learn the value of sticking by your friends.

The reason I bring up that story today is that I think I’ve been a really crappy friend lately. I haven’t been there for everyone and friendship and loyalty is something I value above most things. If it weren’t for my friends sticking by me through more than odd candy suspensions I wouldn’t have made it this far in life.

I don’t really want to get into that much detail about why I haven’t been there for everyone, but I want whoever is reading this post to know that I recognize the situation and I am doing everything in my power to fix it while it’s not that bad. I also realize that not everyone will get what I’m saying, so just carry on if you feel like you aren’t affected. But I just haven’t been the type of friend that would stick their neck out for someone so that they could avoid punishment. And that’s just a horrible way to live.

I do want to add that the next year, some athletes were caught taking soda from a different room and were not suspended. In fact their punishment was to say that they were sorry. I think that was unjust. But if it means that I learned what it was to be a true friend, then I guess everything fell into place.

I love each one of you and all of my friends and I want you to know that if you got caught taking candy, well this is the real world so I don’t want to get arrested. But if it came down to it, I want to always be there for you.