This is why, farewell

Well I am just sure everyone saw this coming. I mean, you had to have, right? I’ve been distracted and not able to post for some time now. And I don’t even have a legitimate excuse other than I’ve been really busy. The only reason I can even type this right now is because I have an upper respiratory infection and am not allowed to go to my classes.

But I digress. I loved loved loved my blog. As hard as it was sometimes to think of clever posts or little things that would make everyone at least a little happy or contemplative, I always loved what I did. Until October. I withdrew and felt like I couldn’t share my life on my blog anymore. As dramatic as it sounds, yes it was because of a guy taking up all of my time. And when we broke up I assumed I would have more time to write and focus back on my blog.

I was very wrong. I had even less time. I decided to surround myself in my schoolwork and eventually this led to more opportunities and new friendships. I have never been so busy with school in my life. Yet, I have never been happier. So this happiness that my blog used to bring me, was replaced with happiness that these new chances and thrilling opportunities brought me. And yes I was scared out of my mind, but I’ve found a happy medium.

And so, as I started this blog to get me through a rough patch of my life, one that I thought I would never get through, I am through it. And while I may have other rough patches, I feel as though I don’t need my blog anymore. I stopped doing it a long time ago for myself and kept doing it because of all the positive feedback I received, but as I am exploring new opportunities for expression, I find that you guys don’t need me either.

That must sound so emo, but really, it is so thrilling and uplifting because I can’t reiterate enough that I am the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

I will come up with more projects and things to share with you guys, but no longer on this blog. I am officially saying goodbye to it and excited for other things that are coming my way. With the new school adventures I have began, as well as a new job and other things, I can’t foresee being able to keep up with the Kardashians. Just kidding. Just seeing if you were paying attention. But I just can’t foresee being able to keep up with it, as I haven’t been able to this whole semester.

Thank you for reading and giving me wonderful feedback. I honestly never received anything negative. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

This is why I miss MySpace lyrical bulletins

[No, I did not post last week. I am going to switch to every other week because this semester has been ca-razy. I will elaborate later but for now, enjoy this postage.]

I wish it were still an acceptable thing to post lyrics to a song on various social media. I don’t know if it was acceptable because I was 15 and didn’t know any better or if it was still the early years of MySpace and that sort of thing was okay. Either way, I miss being able to rely on the lyrics of my pop-punk bands and say things like “Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything, pretty soon you’ll figure out you can never get him out of your head.” (I never actually posted that one by Sugarcult; but I never got the chance and now I’m sad at the fleeting thought of less Sugarcult meaning in my life).

My favorite all-time memory was when I was a sophomore in high school and I posted the lyrics to, of course, a Relient K song and it made this guy messaged me. The lyrics were “She’s so pretty but she doesn’t always act that way.” And when you opened the bulletin the lyrics continued, “Her moods are swinging on the swing set almost everyday.” Riveting stuff there.

But if I could post lyrics to Twitter (which I occasionally do) or Facebook (which I never do), I would like to think that they would be more intellectual than the ones I posted all those years ago. That was the beautiful thing about bulletins on MySpace. You could literally post the most worthless junk, like surveys, and no one cared. I mean, come on, who would really read those things. They were so self-centered and terrible, and yes, I posted them all the time.

I remember I had just broken up with a guy and posted a bulletin using a Christian song as the basis for my bulletin, using the basic HTML everyone knew, like how to bold words and whatnot, and the guy messages me and yells at me for “moving on.” This was all based on a bulletin that had nothing to do with him.

If I could post lyrics right now, they would quote two songs from the band, House of Heroes, and they would say:

“If you were mine I’d tear the altar down of all that I’d lost to romance.” And then when you opened it, it would say, “If you were mine I’d risk my dignity if only to give love a chance.”

And the second one would say:

“There’s no virtue in killing a man,” and again, when you opened it, “And neither is the virtue in being afraid to stand.”

Perhaps you can’t relate because you weren’t a lame teenage girl like me, or you didn’t even have a MySpace. Either way, I miss those days. They actually helped me to discover new pop-punk angsty music. How would I have known about New Found Glory’s cover of every song ever without bulletins? I don’t know about you, but there should (most definitely not) be a resurgence of our careless selves on social media.

Except thinking about it, there already has been this resurgence, and it’s selfies galore. So never mind. I’ll cherish the memories I had of my lyric posting. 

This is why Tim can't leave?!!!!??!?!

There’s been talk of Tim Duncan retiring after this year. While many fans are in despair over this, I just have to say: guys, it was bound to happen. And maybe he will get another ring this year and all will feel justified. Or maybe he won’t and the world will forever feel as though it is cruel. Regardless, I’m just happy that he tried and tried and never gave up. But I understand and that doesn’t mean we all won’t be heartbroken.

A few years ago when it looked as though we might have gotten to the finals—and we didn’t—that was the year I started to actually care about basketball. Since then I’ve watched countless games, including non-Spur games, and quizzed my poor brother about what every little play, move, foul, position, and outcome meant. I wanted to learn the game because I wanted to truly learn what and why it meant that we lost that year. In doing so, I gained so much more respect than I already had for Tim Duncan because it became increasingly apparent how much he loves the game.

When I was younger, I didn’t know anything about the Spurs, much less basketball. I would watch games with my brothers and lose interest after a second. I missed a good era, the era where Tim really shined. Not that he doesn’t shine anymore; his stats for this year (not to mention last year) are pretty sweet. It’s just that he shined with a different group in a different time. And I’m just sad I missed it.

I don’t know what brought that change in me a few years back. I think I realized how awesome sports in general were. Those nights I had just moved back home from being at Trinity and would stay up late just to talk to my brother. It was clear to me that he wanted to watch Sports Center and that meant me watching it as well.

I’ve grown to enjoy the NFL and I’ll watch the World Series. But nothing has garnered my attention the way the good ‘ol NBA has. I hope that Tim doesn’t retire. I truly want him to play forever and never leave. I feel rooked because I didn’t get to experience him the way most fans were able to. But that’s okay. I will take what I can get.

If he retires after this year, the game will be missing out on seeing the best power forward of all time continuously play. The league’s best big brother will be gone and at least for Spurs fans, we won’t know what to do with ourselves for a second. But as when David Robinson left, someone will step up; I’m just worried that Pop might also step down. 

While it’s just rumors, it makes you think about what would really happen and how an awesome Big Fundamental type-of-guy made you care about something that you otherwise would not have. And if he stays a little while longer, you can totally disregard my sappy post. But, if he does leave, while he will most certainly never see this, I still want to put out into the universe that he has always been my favorite (even when I hardly cared) and I think he’s what every sports’ team needs to get back to the love of the game and what truly matters.

This is why I'm all over the place

I sat down to write this post last week and had to stop because I was getting so frustrated that I couldn’t communicate what I was thinking. Hence, no post. But basically I went through a long self-loathing period where I didn’t even realize I was doing it and then a couple of weeks ago it dawned on me. I can’t even communicate it this week. All I know is it’s like Defying Gravity from Wicked—something has changed within me.

I think when we stop searching for things we find them. And that is literally all I want to say. I was so preoccupied with trying to type this long message when I don’t have a lot to say.

What I do have to do is blatantly promote my Tumblr, because that’s where I’ve been lately. SO check that out if you want to know what’s been going on in my mind:

www.apileofgrassitis.tumblr.com

Also, if you want to hear more things, tune in to my radio show on KUIW.org every Friday Noon-2. And I play 80s, 90s, and today (not just the hits, actually, very few of the hits, mostly just whatever I like. But you might like it too).

Alright now that I’m done shamelessly promoting myself I’m going to tell you a little story of the time I left a bar feeling stupid.

Once upon a time (who am I kidding, it was a couple of weeks ago) I met this really awesome guy at a bar, and I know what you’re thinking: like who meets anyone worth pursuing at a bar? Normally I would agree with you, but there’s always an exception to the rule. Anyway we talked for over 4 hours and he bought me a beer and then proceeded to not get my number. I was so upset. And then I realized maybe he was waiting for me to give him my number and now I feel dumb and I blame Maggie because she told me not to give him my number.

Moral of the story, if you’re doubting whether you should do something or not, just do it. That’s probably terrible advice but this post is more of a catharsis and less of anything worth taking seriously.

That being said, have a good week, I’m out.

This is why: 100 posts!!!!!!!

Here it is: MY 100^th POST!! Being the sentimental person that I am, I figured I would take a look back at where I was when I started this blog and give a brief history about some things, WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT.

I started my blog in November of 2011. The previous Summer I thought a lot about starting a blog, just for myself, and with some encouragement, I decided to do it. I started school that semester with every intention to keep going but I needed to take the year off. The blog was the only form of consistency I had since I decided to update it frequently. It was the only way to keep my mind sharp and thinking about writing.

It was (and still is) scary. I never know how certain posts are going to affect different people. I feel like my opinions on here are very tame (WOMEN’S RIGHTS! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY) as opposed to how I am in real life; but you just never know when you are going to upset someone. I also have to think that you can’t please everyone, so I know that eventually I’m going to upset someone. But that’s not the point here. The point is that for 2 and a half-ish years, I’ve kept this blog because I needed something to look forward to and keep me happy back in 2011.

And while I have gone on some hiatuses, I intend to keep it going for as long as I possibly can. I understand that my audience isn’t huge, but it’s big enough to where I feel like I’m affecting people on some level. Even if a post seems boring or average to certain people, I am always getting feedback from other people about how they liked it.

But I digress; I needed this blog back in 2011. I don’t feel the same way anymore even though I intend to keep it. There are other projects that I have in mind about starting and I think I will, but when I do I know that I at least have the confidence to put it out there because of this blog. The scariest thing for me was peoples’ reactions. Especially people like my family who read it.

So if you have some passion but are too afraid to start it, even if it is something as small as a blog, just do it! It’s brought me more joy than it has heartache or fear. So why not give it a chance?

I hope in the future to keep churning out posts that will make you, the reader, laugh, think, or just procrastinate from something for a few minutes. But I also want to try out some new things and I hope that they will be accepted just as much as all my other posts. And thank you for continuously coming back and reading.

Because I don’t really have a good conclusion for this post, as I am actually awful at them, here’s a picture of a waterfall I took that has nothing to do with anything.

(Hundred- The Fray, one of my favorite songs and coincidently, 100 posts. Warning: it's kind of sad but beautiful)

This is why you should listen to yourself

If I had a blog post for every time I wanted to start a post by saying, “I am so dumb,” then I’d have all my blog posts ever. It’s not that I really think I have problems, it’s that I know that going in I shouldn’t be writing that week. Something always comes up, it’s inevitable. And then I have to convince myself, “Well that’s life, something’s always going to come up.” And then I tell myself, “Okay, thanks, Mom.” And then myself and I have a good laugh followed by a deep cry, as per usual.

So why am “I so dumb,” this week? I don’t know. I guess it’s because I have been pushing my limits lately and it’s finally catching up on me. I feel like this is a safe space, even though it’s the Internet and nothing is safe, so I can talk, amigo to amigo. I was like, “Yeah I can handle more work this semester;” and clearly I’m failing at that because it’s only the second week and I am already pretty behind as I procrastinate and write this cathartic blog post. I also have been getting no sleep lately because my mind is just so wired with all these constant thoughts and worries that I’m just like, well, crap.

Don’t worry. I’m not too hard on myself. I still allow myself to pig out on junk food simply because I come home tired and drained. Which leads me to my main point (and for the record, I am so tired that I combined the words “main,” and “point,” and wrote “pain”), guys, don’t be hard on yourself. I don’t even know why I’m freaking out already about this semester and feeling terrible. Why? To get all As. It’d be nice, but I’m just trying to do my best.

When you try to keep up with the world, it’s just going to swallow you. Keep up with yourself, that’s what’s more important. I always know I am getting ahead of myself when I start to dream about oddly specific recurring dreams. It’s like, oh great, another haunted house dream, time to wake up and fix my life. Which is weird, but that’s how I always know I need to not freak out. And everyone’s different and everyone has his or her own way of knowing when to slow down.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.

Like that one song with the same name.

OR as Mother Willow in Pocahontas says in all of her old-grandmotherly wisdom, “Listen with your heart, you will understand.”

Okay I’m done lecturing myself. Time to go to sleep. And hopefully not have haunted house “get-your-life-together” dreams.