This is why I hate pants

Within the past year or so, I have found this new love of shopping online. Before, I thought it was super unsafe and would ruin my life (not to mention my credit) if I ever purchased something online. Now, I buy everything online because it meets two of my two basic rules of life:

1.     You don’t have to put pants on.

2.     You get stuff anyway.

I’ve bought everything from disk drives, to movies, to the computer I’m using right now. However, I need to stop buying clothes online. This is a strong warning I’m giving to people right now. I want you to picture that I’m telling you a great ominous tale full with lightning and I have a staff and for some reason, a beard, because I am that wise with this story.

DO NOT BUY CLOTHES ONLINE.

Did you get that?

DO NOT BUY CLOTHES ONLINE.

(unless you have done it before at the physical store you’re buying from and know your exact sizes).

And this is why:

Like I said, anytime I can get stuff delivered to me without exerting any effort, I take that opportunity. And I’ve achieved greatness with some dresses or skirts or something of the ilk. But pants and shorts, man. PANTS AND SHORTS. I hope the person who created the sizing for pants and shorts trips on a rock or something. Everyone has that one Achilles heel for their "pants and shorts." For some people it’s stomachs, or arms, or Achilles heels. Mine is the bottom because mine fluctuates in sizes every time I turn around.

So like an idiot I ordered a different sized short (I learned that it’s singular from What Not to Wear, great show) than I'm used to in a beautiful eyelet pattern. Stupid thing didn’t go over my thighs. So I sent that back. And then I tried ordering a different size. The stupid sizing chart was inaccurate. And like an idiot, I just ordered pants. They’re going to be a size too big when they get here. How do I know? Because I actually put on pants today and left the house to try on pants.

And let's take a moment to go back to sizing charts. Maybe it's just me, but they are never accurate. And for them to be accurate you have to measure yourself with a tape measure. Who even has those lying around?! (Okay I do, but that's because I have a Polywhirl tape measure). But the logic is basically if you're 28 inches you're going to be a size whatever because the guy with the sizing chart is an idiot. Guy's don't have this trouble. If a guy has a 38-inch waist, guess what, HIS SHORTS ARE A SIZE 38. So freaking ridiculous.

So I’m currently at war with my thighs, my pants, and the person who made sizing charts. I’m sorry if that was more of a disgruntled rant than a story. But please heed my advice, put on your pants and leave the house. Go to the physical store and try on your new pants. And then make peace with your body, because you deserve to. But never make peace with the guy who invented sizing charts. He’s a jerk.

(My awesome tape measure)