This is why falling.

[I've been going through some things lately that I haven't felt comfortable talking about that much. I wrote this piece, if you will, to kind of explain it; however, it is cryptic. It's different than anything I usually post but I hope you enjoy it, nevertheless]

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. One step back. And one more. Scan the crowd with my eyes only tilting my head for a moment. Blink once. Fidget my fingers, curling them with the air. Up ahead is a ramp. The more I step back, the taller it grows. I have a split second to decide to conquer it or run away. Suddenly I’m off.

My heart is in my throat and I am running. Running as fast as I can with the adrenaline pumping and fueling. Pumping and fueling my body as well as my desire. I am propelling myself faster and faster toward the ramp. I didn’t cower away. I chose the ramp.

The ramp, fun and colorful, now appears to be turning, twisting almost, into a dark force. The smooth surface seems to turn textured like a tree the closer I get to it. One foot in front of the other. Keep running. Keep pushing. Don’t back down. I do not know what is on the other side of the ramp. The farthest I can see is the pinnacle of the ramp.

Still, I run.

When I finally catch up to the ramp and thrust my leg onto the structure, it doesn’t move. In fact, I glide. The ramp returns to its colorful and glorified state. And for a second I forget I’m running. Relax. Relax. Breathe.

I could turn around now, or I can go higher and higher. I choose higher. And suddenly, I know it is time to see what is on the other side.

Except that when I look there’s nothing. Just an abyss. I jump. Not because I want to, but because the ramp has abruptly ended. I don’t have time to process why it’s gone; all I know is that the ramp is out from under me. And I fall. 

Mid-fall I realize had I turned around sooner, or even jumped sooner, the fall would be shorter. Nothing I can do now. I will crash. And it will hurt. But I will get up and go again. Perhaps next time I’ll do something differently. As I let myself fall, the crowd (silent for all this time) gasps. Some shouts here and there, but they know I’ll be fine. I don’t know that quite yet.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

The inevitable crash hurts. I can’t say for how long. But it hurts.

And when I get back up, I go again.

This is why friends are more permanent than candy

When I was in 7^th grade, I had a fair amount of friends. Some, I was closer to than others. One day I was with one of my friends and we found that a cabinet in a classroom was unlocked. This was rather odd because usually the cabinets in this particular classroom were always locked. When we opened it, we found Jolly Rancher candy in it. Being the kids we were and it being the appetizing candy it was, we each took one. We went back to that cabinet every so often to take a piece of candy.

Eventually, we told our other friends so they could share in on the joy that was that candy. It never occurred to us that we couldn’t have it and that it potentially belonged to someone else because we were 12 and that sort of “right” and “wrong” didn’t really cross our minds. One day when the original friend I found the candy with and I were out doing something, the other friends we told got caught taking the candy. They were immediately sent to the principal’s office and were suspended.

This wouldn’t have been a big deal except that we were going on a field trip that Friday and they weren’t allowed to go. The principal asked if there was anyone else that knew about the candy and took from it and my good ol’ friends, being the pals that they were did not rat us out even though it was our (mostly my, since I was the one that originally found the candy) fault that they couldn’t go on the field trip and were stuck in the principal’s office with an in school suspension that went on their records.

The moral of this story is that I had really good friends. Some would argue that they did the dishonest thing and lied, but I got to go on the field trip, so I don’t see it that way. No, but we were 12. So I think that it was a crucial time to learn a lesson and while I didn’t get in trouble, I really did learn the value of sticking by your friends.

The reason I bring up that story today is that I think I’ve been a really crappy friend lately. I haven’t been there for everyone and friendship and loyalty is something I value above most things. If it weren’t for my friends sticking by me through more than odd candy suspensions I wouldn’t have made it this far in life.

I don’t really want to get into that much detail about why I haven’t been there for everyone, but I want whoever is reading this post to know that I recognize the situation and I am doing everything in my power to fix it while it’s not that bad. I also realize that not everyone will get what I’m saying, so just carry on if you feel like you aren’t affected. But I just haven’t been the type of friend that would stick their neck out for someone so that they could avoid punishment. And that’s just a horrible way to live.

I do want to add that the next year, some athletes were caught taking soda from a different room and were not suspended. In fact their punishment was to say that they were sorry. I think that was unjust. But if it means that I learned what it was to be a true friend, then I guess everything fell into place.

I love each one of you and all of my friends and I want you to know that if you got caught taking candy, well this is the real world so I don’t want to get arrested. But if it came down to it, I want to always be there for you.

This is why 2013 was the year of The Almost's

2013 was a very strange year. It was the year that Miley Cyrus and a Syrian war filled the headlines at the same time. 2013 brought a lot of chaos and confusion and also a lot of controversy and scandal. To me, 2013 seems like the year of “The Almost’s.” (No, not the band, although I do love The Almost). But for me, 2013 was the year that had so much potential and just couldn’t reach it or get to where it was headed.

On a grander scale, 2013 had so much promise and every time it seemed like we were making progress on something, it just fell through. The top news stories according to Yahoo! News were:

1. Jodi Arias trial
2. Obamacare (Affordable Care Act)
3. Boston Marathon bombing
4. Royal baby birth
5. George Zimmerman trial
6. Syria civil war
7. North Korea missile threats
8. Papal transition
9. Death of Nelson Mandela
10. Paula Deen lawsuit

You don’t need me to tell you why all of these things just had potential; some of them actually aren’t that bad and still have the possibility to do something great such as the Pope and the Royal baby. Those two united people and have the capacity to keep uniting people. But everything else on that list just divided people or brought about sadness or worry.

On a personal note, my life too had a lot of twists and turns in 2013 that could have (and still might) evolve into something greater. But my job almost worked out. My sports team almost won the Finals. Yet another relationship that almost made it.

I try not to dwell on those things though, because I want to move on and just keep getting better. While there were a lot of Almost’s, there were still things that worked out. And what people, and I myself, tend to forget is that the world doesn’t stop at 2013. Just because there are so many year-end reviews and various reflections, that doesn’t mean that the stories that were prominent are completely over. We still have more time, thankfully. And I'm not dismissing 2013 entirely. There were definitely good aspects about it.

I don’t know what 2014 will bring about but I am so optimistic because I know that I have grown so much in the past year. Whatever happens, even if it’s just potential, I have total faith that everything will work out just fine.

This is why I love the Christmas lead-up

I absolutely adore Christmas. As with many individuals, it is my favorite holiday of the year. The reason I love it is because of the entire Christmas season. I celebrate advent. So I just enjoy the lead up. That’s why my family refuses to open gifts until Christmas day. It isn’t about who gets what or who can out-gift each other. It’s about spending time with one another. But you don’t need to hear this lecture from me.

What I want to share is my experience of the lead up. I wasn’t able to get into Halloween or Thanksgiving this year. They didn’t even feel like holidays; but Christmas will always feel like Christmas for me. And it’s because I don’t stress out about the meal or the gifts. It’s because those 4 weeks after Thanksgiving and before Christmas are spent fantasizing and preparing for the actual day.

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. It’s like when you have really yummy food in the fridge, but you have to leave. You know that when you get home it will be there waiting for you and that you can fully enjoy it. For me, waiting is the best part. I know that might be weird but I don’t mind waiting for something if I know that in the end it will be everything I want and the wait will be worth it.

If you are reading this within 24 hours of me posting it, then I thank you for taking time out of the holiday to spend it reading my awesome blog. If you are reading it anytime after those 24 hours then I am especially happy because you were probably busy enjoying your time (whether it be with family, friends, or just doing something you love). So I’m going to stop typing now and go spend time enjoying my lead-up hours.  

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

This is why there's a surprise at the end

It is that time of year again, in between finals and Christmas, where I do quite a bit of reflecting. It is in these times that I would ideally like to get sentimental and thankful for this past year, and don’t get me wrong, I totally am. It’s just that this year I’m trying something different. Instead of sitting and reflecting, I am just go, go, go.

Why? I’ve learned about myself that if I reflect on my life for too long I start to regret the things I could’ve done and dwell on the things that went sour. I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead, I’m trying to be productive and getting a lot of things done. The scary part is I don’t know if I’m making a mistake. Trying to be grateful and trying to just reflect are two different things.

I want to turn any possible negativity into fuel for something greater than myself. Even if it means I just read more or spend more time with friends. What a better way to give back than by spending it with those I love or even just bettering myself?

I’m sorry if this hits too close to home or wasn’t enough of a distraction for you as we near the end of the year, but it was something that was weighing heavily on my chest. I probably wasn’t very clear last week about coming back to writing my blog, but it’s so that I will speak freely about whatever from here on out.

BUT DON’T YOU WORRY! I will still have fun topics and funny insights, just this weeks was not one of those weeks. But I want to know what’s been going on with you! If you need to talk, I am 100% here. Facebook me, Tweet me, whatever. I’ll listen. In fact, if you want to know my opinion about something, leave something for me to write about. I’d love that.

But until next time, here’s my favorite meme of the moment, Doge: