This is why I shouldn't be allowed to analyze commercials

If you watch nearly as much television as I do, then you have seen multiple Christmas commercials around this time of year. Some are for cars, engagement rings, babies (I don’t remember exactly what the baby commercials are for; when I see a commercial with a baby in it, I instantly glue my eyes to the television screen broadcasting the beauty of the baby and then promptly stare at my empty uterus. Guys, you don’t understand. Girls, some of you don’t either, but I’ll write about this in a future blog) but the most commercials I have seen have always been for phones. Awhile back there was that campaign for a Go-phone with the claymation family akin to The Island of Misfit Toys; then there was the whole Merry Chrismahanukwanzakah rally. This year, one Christmas commercial in particular has grabbed my attention. It’s a T-Mobile commercial staged in Santa’s workshop. If you don’t remember the one I’m talking about, or just want to see it to refresh your memory, watch it here:

I don’t even know where to begin. If you like this commercial, I’m sorry. It’s not that I hate it, it’s that I find a few disconcerting qualities about it:

Why are all the elves forced to have pink hair?
No where, in any Christmas story, is pink hair present. Obviously, from an earlier post, I love the color pink, so it may seem odd that this bothers me. And I understand, T-Mobile’s company color is pink, but it’s just mildly creepy to me that ALL the elves are forced into having not only their hair colored pink, but also their eyebrows and facial hair. They are all wearing the same white uniform, shouldn’t that be enough? As a connoisseur of elves everywhere from every region, I can almost 100% guarantee you that those are not regulation elves anywhere. Most elves are allowed to practice whatever hair color they are comfortable with, which leads me to my next point.

Where the heck is the Big Guy?
And no, I am not talking about God, although, it’s clear He’s not present in this sick commercial, either. They have Santa in a “to-go” phone version of Santa, but not the actual guy. If it wasn’t clear before, this screams that this is not a regulation Santa workshop. There’s something fishy going on here. If Santa’s not present to check, well, the presents, then who is going to do it? Definitely not the Head Elf, he has cotton candy for hair. He’s been brainwashed like the rest of them. And not that chick either. The one in the dress, yeah she’s a good way to segue into the next part.

Uh, this isn’t necessarily a “family friendly” point.
But, ever since the term “4g” came out, the only thing I heard was “orgy.” And no, it’s not because I have a dirty mind, I’ve had some people agree with me. And once you hear it, you can never go back. Even when the FOUR is very clear, I still only hear “orgy.” So these impostures for elves keep singing, “Walking in a 4g wonderland,” and I only hear very dirty, dirty things. And then it makes sense to me. This girl is pretty. If I can see it, I know those creepy elves see it. This commercial is just all sorts of subliminal messages, trying to trick the viewer into devious plots involving T-Mobile phones. If this doesn’t concern you, this next point definitely…. will not. I just find this next point hilarious.

Go look again, at the 20 second mark.
I noticed this probably around the 39^th time I saw this commercial. Who is that? Oh! It’s none other than Beans from the early 00s show, Even Stevens. For those of you who didn’t watch it, well then, just go to the conclusion. For those of you who did, join me in laughing. He looks the exact same. Sad to see his acting career didn’t really take off.

So all in all, I’m sure you can argue that I spend way too much time thinking about these things, but someone has to. There are little kids everywhere who will be heartbroken if, they too, realize the indecencies Santa’s good reputation is going through. Anyways, have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Fun Kwanza, and Happy Holidays.