This is why I need to stop thinking so much

I do not mean to get philosophical right now by any means, nor do I intend to get preachy; but there’s something weird about realizing why something happened the way it did. In the movie, Signs, there’s a long drawn out scene, as typical by M. Night Shyamalan, where they talk about if everything is coincidence or if there’s a greater meaning to everything. Of course in the big scheme of things I have to believe, for my own mental sanity, that there’s a plan. 

I would, however, like to think that this applies even to little every day things. For instance, one time I was riding in the car with my parents when I was around 7 years old. I was thinking my own 7 year old thoughts (which for some ridiculous reason I remember I was thinking about the episode of Pokemon I had seen that day) when our car slowed down to another car trying to get around us. The car that went around us was suddenly side swiped by another car. I remember having a mental tornado of flipping balls. In that moment, at 7 years old, I realized how close our calls are sometimes. So that example isn’t so “little every day things,” but you get the point.

Sometimes I feel like my life is The Truman Show. But then I feel bad about thinking my life affects the actions of that many people, so then I think that I know someone who is the star of an alternate universe and I’m just not in on the joke. Anyways, I write about this today, because I was thinking about how I viewed my life at 15 and how I view it now. 

Why, you might ask, do I think about 15? 15 was “my turn around” year. It was the year where I began seeing why certain things didn’t happen at 12 or 13, and why it all happened for the better. It’s not necessarily that I regret anything (honestly, how much can you regret by 13? That I didn’t change my MySpace layout?); I just see how differently things could’ve been in a semi-taking-a-step-back approach. It’s funny because I realize now that at that time I thought it was the end of this stage of my life where I questioned things. I don’t know, it sounds ridiculous. To think that a 15 year old would view their life as something so finite. When I was 15 I thought that because I had moments of epiphany that the rest of my life would a cake walk in figuring it out.

Well that theory went by the wayside a while back. Maybe at 16. I’m not sure. I know that I’ll look back at 19 and realize that maybe it took me longer to realize why things are happening because they were leading to more epiphanies. To try and decipher any of this is impossible and this is getting all too serious. But there’s a whole slew of clichéd sayings about how everything will be okay in the end. To me, that’s too open. What’s “the end?” When I’m on my deathbed? I don’t want to be like 100 and have everything all suddenly making sense. I want everything to make sense while I still have a life to live. 

Alright so if anyone wants to have a philosophical conversation with me, feel free to initiate. I’m all about that. And not in a “let’s blaze and talk about life.” No, shut up. Other than that, I know that this was way too serious for usual bloggy writing. So to make up for everything, here’s a picture of my best friend’s cat, Bugsy. He’s really fat, and was mad that I kept trying to take pictures of him. So, that should make up for everything.